Just can't stop hatin'?

"I've screwed this up so many times, I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to control my temper around my dad. I always lose it and I say stuff to him that is just mean and I feel bad about it later. I'm trying I really am, but sometimes I'll slip and it will explode into a huge fight about how I treat him like "crap". I have no idea how to stop this subconscious behavior toward him, and I don't know how to change my attitude in general.Any suggestion on simple ways to make him see that I am trying to treat him the way I should, even when I slip up?" Signed- S.　

Mimi says: The first thing you have to do is one of the hardest you will ever do; Make an effort to see your father as a human being. Try and picture him as a little kid growing up with his parents, siblings, in his childhood home etc. Really make an effort to visualize what it was like for him when he was a child. How did he look? Where is he in the family line up? First child, middle child, baby of the family etc. What was his Dad like? What was his Mom like? What was he like when he was your age?
If you don't know these things, Ask him! Tell him you want to go get a coffee and ask him to tell you about his own life, childhood, teen years and all. Ask him how he got along with his parents when he was your age. You might be surprised by his responses to your questions. Make it like an interview for a school project. Get all the details he will give you. This may open a brand new door for you both in your relationship with him. It may also remind him what it was like to be your age.
Parents try and pretend that they weren’t a giant pain in the butt to their own parents and this is a LIE. We were all obnoxious brats on occasion and it's a good thing for us to remember that. As parents, we expect our own kids to behave better than we did, magically. Not gonna happen. Especially if, as parents, we don't teach our kids how to communicate better than we communicated with our parents.
And one more thing- you seem very concerned about "treating your Dad the way you should". Might I remind you AND your Dad that YOU are the child and HE is the "Adult". It is not your job to play mother to your own Dad. It is HIS job to act like an emotionally mature adult and if you are behaving in a fashion that is disrespectful to him, he should tell you that is not acceptable behavior. If he is pouting like a child and waiting (like a child) for you to go and soothe his bruised little ego, then he needs a major attitude adjustment. Your job is to be the kid and to learn from him, not to fix his boo-boo's. Again, you may find when you do your "interview" about his childhood, that he has some unfinished business that he needs to deal with in order to be a more mature parent himself.
Good luck.


Samm says:
Here's the thing, it sound to me like your attitude towards your dad and your idea of "treating him how he should be treated' needs to be looked at in a different perspective, I don't know how old you are..but as a young person, your relationship with your parents is difficult. We want to be financially independent people and we want to never have to ask our parents for help. Sometimes we get angry and frustrated and snap...not because we're mad at THEM we're mad at OURSELVES. Resentment baby. It's a jagged pill. We are frustrated with ourselves because we can't find a job that pays our bills or allows us to live on our own. We want to run away and become successful and run our own lives and households and then invite them over for dinner (that we slaved over in the kitchen for hours) and show them how successful we are without their help. If your parents took out loans for school, you probably feel like you will be in debt to them your whole life. This is a very hard situation to deal with as a young person, so the best you can do is understand that this is why you subconsciously react the way you do... and go from there. Tell them that you're frustrated with yourself but unfortunately it comes out in an adverse way and to bear with you whenever these sudden freakouts occur. We're only human, and our parents were also children once. We all go through it! So suck it up, admit WHY you're so angry. Reel in the attitude when you're around your parents and then go from there..one day at a time lady..it's the best way to live!